So much on my mind tonight - so much more I wanted to do today, to get done. Even with a great night of sleep last night (a Tylenol pm helped to shut down the non-stop mental racing) I quickly found myself back to ... tired.
Yesterday was an internal fear factor kind of day. The Dr's kept saying what good news it was that Jacob could go home. But for me, to take my very sick kid home, and fully into our own care again - nothing could be more terrifying.
Part of it was knowing that our house was soo not ready. Nothing makes you realize how much you live like a pig until you have an immediate need and deadline to clean your house and any time you take to do that - is taken away from your children. I want to say the hugest thank you to the women who came and helped at the house cleaning party. Dee, Leigh, Ashley, Vicki, Angela and Kathy - Everyone fantasizes about having someone clean their house for them - the reality is actually very humbling. That you would take your time and help us that much... to serve us in that way... Thank you for letting your actions show your love for us. Molly - you were instrumental to that happening - thanking you for using the gifts God gave you to love and bless my family. Because of all of you I feel it will be OK to bring Jake home.
Taking Jake home. That thought also makes me feel tired. Normally, when you take your child home from the hospital, he is getting healthier. For Jacob we are taking him home to get sicker. I can't wrap my brain around that - but my heart must understand because it is breaking right now. The chemotherapy treatment is daily. Pills in the morning. Pills at night. Swish and spit, Swish and swallow, support agents, Iv push, transfusions, injections... it is all working. We get copies of the blood work everyday and there are fewer leukemia cells. Medically speaking it is working and that is a great thing. But maternally speaking - I simply want to scoop his body up from that bed, take him away from all of the needles and machines, the medicine and the pain ... and go back to the life where hugging him did not cause pain and he could be a little boy.
So tired, and sleep is so far away.
At least my baby rests.
8 comments:
My heart is breaking for you... You and Brian are so stong - Jake is blessed to have such amazing parents. We are praying for Jake and your whole family - if there is anything else we can do, PLEASE let us know. We love you!
Hilary & Kenyon
Tanya, I am thinking how hard this must be for you, just not even a week ago, your Jake had pinkeye. Now he has been diagnosed with cancer and had surgery and chemo. In less than a week his whole world and yours has changed forever. It is hard to be here, because there's not really much I can do to help! Just know that we are thinking of you, and praying for you, and reading your blog every day. If and when you get time, could you call or email me and just give me some ideas of some things Jake would enjoy getting in a little care package.
Take care, all of you!
The Griswold family
Peace to you both as you bring Jacob home to a clean house :)Do you have a contact person with the Colorado Children's Cancer Coalition or would you like to me contact one for you?
RJ
Tanya & Brian, our hearts break along with yours. How we wish we could take this away from you, to restore what is lost in this journey. I guess that's God's job, though. So, we continue to petition on your behalf and pray for God's abiding Presence, for the strength of the God of the Universe to dwell with you and in you. We pray that Creator God brings restoration of strength for you and of health for Jake's body.
You are your family are in our prayers- for complete healing, strength, wisdom, and the God's presence to be ever faithful and refreshing. My brother, Boyd, is a Royal Ranger commander at your church.
What a blessing to have your home cleaned by loving friends! That takes at least one weight off your minds. We also had friends come and clean our home before Natalie and I came home from St. Louis after her transplant, and I know how humbling that can be!
I also understand how scary it can be to bring a sick child home. Just make sure you have plenty of paperwork to refer back to if you have questions, and a phone number to call in case you need further help. Nurses are definitely heroes in my eyes--they make it all look so easy.
As far as the pain and pokes and prods Jake is continually getting I feel for you, it's very hard to watch and be able to do nothing but pray and encourage. But, you have to remember that all these things have to happen to make him well (no matter how difficult). I always feel like a traitor bringing Natalie in for her infusions when they have to put an iv in and I hold her down. I cry a lot of times, but know it has to be done or the alternative is worse.
We continue to pray for Jake and we will lift you up as well, knowing you need rest and peace. Please take up our offer for help. We would love to do menial tasks for you to lighten your load. Really.
Elisa Wertz
Jeremiah 29 says, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
I cannot even imagine what your hearts must be felling and right now I want you to know our hearts break with you. Tears fall from my face frequently throughout the day as I think of your journey and the path you are walking right now. I know your sandals do not even begin to sheild you from the rocks on your path. But hold on to the hand of your creator, your daddy God. And lean on the shoulders of those around you. There are many that love you and will carry you when you cannot take another step.
Remeber, God knows the plans he has for all of you and they are plans to PROSPER, not to harm. Believe in this and lean on it. In the lonely spots in your heart where none of us can touch, let God bring healing and strength.
Blessings and love in Christ,
Allison
Dear Carlsons-
As a fellow parent of a 7 year old (and former colleague of Brian's in MN), I was deeply saddened to learn of Jake's diagnosis. I am so confident, though, based on my faith and that of so many others posting here that he will come through this. It is terrific to hear that he is already responding well to treatment. The Wilson family will most diligently keep Jake in our prayers. God bless!
Pete Wilson
Post a Comment